We all sometimes yell and scream at our children. Most of the time, after the outburst, we just continue as if nothing happened... Yet, something happened - there has been a small rupture in our connection with our child.
When I shout at my child, he feels alone, and sometimes frightened, I became a “scary mommy”, and now he doesn’t feel safe… Moreover, when something threatening happens to children, they usually use the defense-mechanism of self-blame (I am unlovable, I make bad things happen), and this might be taken into adulthood (and lead to anxiety and depression).
So instead of feeling shameful and guilty after we scream, let’s REPAIR.
Repair is about taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY for MY behavior.
Repair is about fixing the rupture, and re-connect with my child.
4 steps to repair:
1 Name what happened
2 Validate your child’s feeling
3 Take responsibility
4 State what you would do different next time
“I keep thinking about what happened when I picked you up today,
I’m sorry I screamed, I’m sure that was scary…. It wasn’t your fault.
I’m working at staying calm, even when I’m frustrated”.
Through repair we help our child WRITE A BETTER STORY, and this can have lifelong repercussions.
If you would like to know more, feel free to connect.
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